Shakespeare's Deleted Scenes
by stupidpenname
Summary: Excactly what it says on the tin. Five short scenes added to some of Shakespeare's plays. Taming of the Shrew, Richard 3rd, Much Ado about Nothing, Twelve Night, and Macbeth. Must be read with tongue firmly placed in cheek.
1. Taming of The Shrew

**A/N:** The first chapter concerns _The Taming of the Shrew._ Lets face it, while Shakespeare was brilliant he was a bi-product of his time - A ignorant chavanistic jerk. Has Katherina given up on seeking "rule, supremacy and sway" when she is "bound to serve love and obey."? Or is there more up the Shrew's sleave. This is during the most duitiful wife bet at the climax of the play (or Act Five; Scene Two for all of those playing at home). The play has Shakepearean bookends but the rest is in modern English.

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The Taming of the Shrew: Assume a virtue, if you have it not. 

_Offstage_

Bianca:

Am I your bird? I mean to shift my bush;

And then pursue me as you draw your bow.

You are welcome all.

_The women enter the parlour after the banquet_

Kate: Bianca, I've been meaning to congratulate you. I always knew you would make a beautiful bride.

Bianca: yes, despite your efforts.

_Both laugh insincerely_

Kate: The dress is lovely, by the way.

Bianca: yes. And your dress… is so… individual.

Kate: yes! It was my husband's idea.

Bianca: I'm sure it was. I remember you're wedding quite well.

Kate: Viviana. I'm sorry about back there, I nearly lost my temper.

Viviana The Widow: You're forgiven. As long as you pour me another drink.

Kate: You were probably right after all, I have been known for my reckless behaviour in the past, and you have been asked to marry by… what is it?... thee men now?

Viviana: Yes, It seems my charms are too irresistible for any man.

_Cackles at her own joke before going to sip some more wine. She is disappointed to find her cup empty._

Bianca: You look so tired Sis. Must be all the duties of wifehood. But I haven't seen you frown since you got here, and you've lost so much weight…

Viviana: Whadda do? Have a personality transplant?

_Continues to hoot while she refills her cup to the brim_

Bianca: Viviana!

Kate: Bianca, it is quite alright. I am well aware that my… usual behaviours have been changed.

Bianca: Really? I haven't noticed.

Kate: Come off it B! You are the same girl I tied up and beat not a fortnight ago. You are the girl who I forced into spinsterhood because men were so terrified of me they would curl up in the foetal position when I walked by…

Bianca: Oh come now, that was only Primo…

Kate: And you are the girl who wants to know why haven't I been arrested for the murder of my husband yet. And want's to know why and how my...

_glancing at Viviana_

Kate: ...personality was transplanted.

Bianca: No no! It your secret and if you don't want to tell…

Kate: Okay…

Bianca: Fine. I lied. I _really_ want to know.

Viviana: Yeah! Tell us how the wicked witch really died.

_Once again manic laughter. Bianca moves the bottle of wine out of reach._

Kate: Well get yourselves comfy. This will take awhile. Okay. Petruchio's had been acting crazy ever since we'd got to his home. Well crazier than normal. I hadn't eaten and slept in days because he found fault with everything. The bed was unmade so we didn't rest; the food was "burnt" so we went hungry. Not the best but an effective way of shedding winter pounds mind you. And all the time Pet was ranting and raving and throwing things about. Then I overheard him talking to himself.

Bianca: First sign of madness, that.

Viviana: And marrying Katerina wasn't?

_Bianca is completely ignoring Viviana by this stage_

Bianca: What did he say?

Kate: He said he was going to train my like a falcon. You know how they don't let the birds sleep or eat until they get under their control. This way he'll and I quote "curb my mad and headstrong humour."

Bianca: Really… Um… how… How did you take that?

Kate: The usual way.

Bianca: Ah.

_pause _

Bianca: Was their much blood?

Kate: No it missed his head all together. I must be getting out of practice.

_There is a knock at the door. Bordello enters._

Bordello: Mistress Bianca, your husband bids you come to him.

Kate: I'm busy, he can wait.

Bordello: But mistress…

Bianca: It's not like I won't see him every day for the rest of my life. Got tell him no.

_Bordello leaves_

Bianca: Go on Kate!

Kate: Anyway we had a bit of a tiff. I yelled at him about how I wasn't going to be starved like a bird, he yelled at me about throwing a chamber pot at his head. I suspect it's the sort of normal tiffs all newlyweds have.

Viviana: For newlyweds no. You and him yes!

_Typical cackling_

Kate[holding back the urge to punch Viviana Anyway, I asked him why he was doing something so stupid, and immoral and above all mannish. He _said _that it was about making me a proper member of society but when I threatened him with the wash basin he told the truth.

Bianca and Viviana: What?

Kate: Money.

Bianca and Viviana: Ah!

Kate: He had this bet going on with Hortensio from before our wedding which involved me becoming "The perfect house wife". Seems that I was a bit more trouble than he anticipated.

Viviana: No Kate, you must be mistaken. Hortensio doesn't gamble.

Kate: Really? Petruchio showed me about 20 crowns that he said he won off Hortensio in a card game.

Viviana: He said he was robbed!

Kate: He probably was. Petruchio cheats.

Viviana: I'll kill him!

_A knock at the door. Bordello re-enters._

Bianca: I told you last time, I'm not coming.

Bordello: Um… This time Hortensio wants his wife…

Viviana: I'm not going to that pig! If he's so desperate to talk he can come to me! And I'll have a few words to tell him, I'm sure of that!'

Bordello: Er… okay…

_He leaves shaking his head_

Bianca: Okay so he had a bet he could make you into Martha Stewart.

Kate: Now I have my pride. I have my dignity. But one thing I don't have much of is money. So he and I made a deal.

Bianca: Really? You actually agreed with him on something?

Kate: I'm just as surprised as you are. I agreed that I would pretend to be the happy house wife in public and at home I can do what ever I want.

Viviana: He must have been desperate to make that deal!

Kate: No. Astoundingly he said he wouldn't have it any other way. And neither would I.

Bianca: Wait a second… You're going to let down your shrewishness for HIM.

Kate: Yes. I think I am. He's the only man who's ever given me any credit. When I first met him he talked to me as a person and not just a woman. He could have just left it but he let me in on his plan. It's like I'm his partner and not just his wife.

Bianca: Are you trying to say you LOVE him?

Kate: I don't know about love, but I at least respect him. And that's a step up from every other man in Padua.

Viviana: Wait? You haven't told us your plan that you and he made in order to rip our men off.

Kate: I'm sorry how silly of me. He made a bet with your husbands saying that I was the most obedient wife out of us three.

_Pause_

Bianca: Yeah right.

Viviana: You wish!

Kate: I dunno. When your fellas asked you to come to them, did you?

_Pause. Bordello re-enters._

Bordello: Mistress Katerina. Your husband commands you come to him.

Kate: Game. Set. Match.

_She grabs Viviana and Bianca by the arms._

Kate: You two are coming with me. I work very hard on this speech.

_Kate half drags the other women off stage. Off stage can be heard_

Kate: Fie, fie! unknit that threatening unkind brow,  
And dart not scornful glances from those eyes,  
To wound thy lord, thy king, thy governor…

_End of scene_


	2. Richard the Third

A/N: Okay chapter Two. Richard the Third was in many ways one of Shakespeares greatest villains. Go see Ian Mckellen play him if you haven't seen it. The thing is that in regards to the whole Lady Anne seduction you get the idea that Anne goes from wanting to mame Richard with a drill, some hedge clippers, and some ordinary household blech to being all swoon-y over him. And lets think about it. Richard was (in the play) as ugly as a monkey's butt AND the man who murdered her Dad and Husband. We can't blame Shakespeare entirely for this because historically this did happened. Here is my explanation. Hope you enjoy.

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****Richard III: Nothing emboldens sin so much as mercy**

_Offstage_

Lady Anne: 'Tis more than you deserve;

But since you teach me how to flatter you,

Imagine I have said farewell already.

_Lady Anne enters with her to attendance Tressel and Berkeley_

Berkeley: Um… I don't want to pry into your personal business, you Ladyship…

Anne: And yet I have a feeling that you are about to Berkeley…

Berkeley: But did you just agree to go out with the Duke of Gloucester?

Anne: Yes.

Berkeley: Let me rephrase that. Did you just agree to go out with the evil, hideous, foul smelling, deformed, manipulative, greedy, power hungry, rumoured-baby-devouring Duke of Gloucester, who killed your father and husband?

Anne: Don't be ridiculous. He doesn't smell all that bad.

Tressel: You only think that because you were so close to your former husband's body. He smelled plenty enough. And was it me or did he look like he was trying out for the _Hunchback of Notre Dam_?

Anne: If you ask me he looks a lot like Ian Mckellen…

Tressel: Really? I can't see that…

Berkeley: Ladyship! What's going on! Back there you were ready to tear his face off…

_Tressel interrupts_

Tressel:Would have been an improvement...

Berkeley: And by the end you agreed to meet him for lunch sometime! I mean if you want to forgive and forget I understand but that doesn't mean you have to date your old man's killer.

Anne: I don't think it's any of your business.

Tressel: No, and it's no one else's either. And yet I have a feeling that a certain tabloid newspaper will be having an article on your little courtship tomorrow.

Anne: What on earth are you talking about?

Tressel: I saw a reporter from _The Bard_ at the funeral.

Anne: You didn't!

Tressel: Yep! Doing a piece on _Lifestyles of the Rich and Maim-less._

Berkeley: Really? If it's "Maim-less" why are they writing about Richard?

_Anne's furious_

Anne: Oh! I'm gonna… I'm gonna…

Berkeley: What?

Anne: Write...I really…anger letter to the editor, that's what I'll do!

Tressel: And they said she wasn't a fiery one.

Berkeley: You didn't believe all that nonsense he was saying about killing them because he was so jealous of you and your beauty. That's bul…

_Tressel interrupts_

Tressel:I think he means to say a steaming pile of bovine manure.

Anne: Give me some credit! I knew that he was leading me on.

_Both Berkeley and Tressel stop and turn to their Lady_

Berkeley and Tressel: You do?

Anne: Of course! I mean he was good! I almost fell for it, but honestly did he think that I would fall for him with curses in my mouth and tears in my eyes! I mean was ever woman in this humour woo'd? Was ever woman in this humour won? I don't think so!

Berkeley and Tressel: Really?

Anne: Yes…wait. Did you think I would go all adolescent and go out with the next guy who says he likes my face? That is the most unlikely thing to ever happen on this planet.

Tressel: Okay… But there is the slight question about if you, you know, agreeing to GO OUT WITH THE MURDERER OF YOUR FATHER AND HUSBAND!

Anne: Don't raise your voice to me!

Tressel: Sorry your Ladyship.

Anne: So you should be! I knew very well what he's trying to do. I'm just playing along.

Berkeley: Why?

Anne: I don't have much of a choice.

Berkeley: What do you mean? Just tell him to push off!

Anne: Berkeley, think about it! The house of York has won! I am parentless, husbandless and more than likely to banished or killed by someone. I am from the deafeated house of Lancaster I have absolutely no one to protect me.

Tressel: Okay… I see no connection between this and what we were originally talking about.

Anne: Richard is the only shelter I have from this vulnerable position.

Berkeley: Gloucester is not going to protect you. It's like seeking shelter from a thunder storm in a nuclear missile silo! I mean the guy's crazy; he'll probably end up killing you!

Anne: I have to consider what decision has better odds of my survival! I may die if I marry Richard, but I surely will if I don't. Let's face it I'm not going to find many friends in court. All those who were friendly with the house of Lancaster will avoid me like the plague…

Tressel: Actually I think that most of those people actually _have_ the plague…

Anne: And the others either don't care or are itching to see another Lancaster go down.

Berkeley: But Gloucester the son of the devil! Or at least close enough to invite him around to dinner once in a while. Can't you find some other York to attach yourself to?

Anne: No… I want to marry Richard.

_stunned silence. Tressel makes some gagging noises in disgust._

Berkeley: Maybe you should marry him. You're both totally insane!

Anne: Let me put it this way. Do you know that famous quote about enemies?

Tressel: Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate?

Anne: No.

Tressel: Money can't buy friends, but it can get you a better class of enemy?

Anne: No!

Tressel: Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much?

Anne: NO!

_Tressel grumpily mumbles under his breath_

Tressel: Now whose raising their voice?

_Anne rolls her eyes_

Anne: The one I was thinking about was "keep your friends close and your enemies closer", and how closer can you be to your enemy than marrying him?

_stunned silence again. Tressel makes some more gagging noises in disgust._

Berkeley: Please stop talking about that! I've just eaten!

Anne: How do you think I feel! I'm the one who is going to have to actually marry him.

_stunned silence again. Tressel has turned green by this point._

Anne: Look. I think that Gloucester is going for the throne.

Berkeley: What are you kidding! There are like… four… people ahead of him in line. What he going to do wait for them all to get struck by lighting?

Anne: I don't know. But If I agree to mar…

Tressel: NO!

Berkeley: DON'T say the "m" word!

Anne: Okay, okay. But if I do and he becomes king, I'll be able to have some sway on what happens to the rest of my house. Maybe I'll be able to re-establish Lancaster to its former glory.

Tressel: Not to mention that you would get to be queen.

Anne: Well, yes I suppose Her Majesty; Queen Anne has a nice ring to it.

Berkeley: You had better be careful. This could easily come back to bite you on the behind.

Anne: Come on Berkeley, It's not as though I am going to end up saying;

I would to God that the inclusive verge

Of golden metal that must round my brow

Were red-hot steel, to sear me to the brain!

Anointed let me be with deadly venom,

And die, ere men can say, God save the queen!

_End of scene_


	3. Much Ado about Nothing

A/N: Okay this is the last angry feminist rant piece, I assure you. _Much Ado about Nothing _is my favorite Shakespeare play. I love the Beatrice and Benedick side. But I got a little -okay alot- agrivated because after degrading Hero so much it would have been reasonable for her father, in this time, to stone her, attacking the woman he supposedly loved both physically and metally, and branding her as a harlot for life, she's just ment to marry him again afterward and everythings so happy and jolly. I like the BBC's _Shakespeare_ _Retold _version heaps but here is my version. Rated T for very minor sexual discourse. Your a big boy/girl. You'll cope.**

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**Much Ado about Nothing: …He that filches from me my good name **

**Robs me of that which not enriches him, And makes me poor indeed.**

_Offstage_

Benedick:

…doth not the appetite alter? a man loves the meat  
in his youth that he cannot endure in his age.  
Shall quips and sentences and these paper bullets of  
the brain awe a man from the career of his humour?  
No, the world must be peopled!

_Both Benedick and Claudio enter Leonato's orchard_

Claudio: Right… It's not like you're just making excuses because you turned from the saint of all bachelorhood to the man who is at the beck and call of his wife?

Benedick: I wouldn't go that far! Just because I'm happily married doesn't mean I've become a… a…

Claudio: A spongy beef-witted flax wench?

Benedick: What?

Claudio: I've been on the internet again. You know you can find these Shakespearean insult generators…

Benedick: Oh, so you need someone else to make up you're insults for you?

Claudio: It's the only way to keep up with you. Well, maybe not now you're a married, you droning flap-mouthed clotpole.

Benedick: Hey, it's not only me who's the newly wed! You got married on the same day as me remember! I have known when there was no music with you but the drum and the fife; and now had you'd rather hear the tabour and the pipe!

Claudio: Okay, okay. But in honesty how are things with you and Beatrice? Leonato once said that "if they were but a week married, they would talk themselves mad". It's been a week. Are you crazy yet?

Benedick: I'm crazy enough to be talking to you! What about you? How are things with you and Hero?

_pause_

Claudio: Fine, fine.

Benedick: Wow, so convincing! You should be an actor.

Claudio: Give it a rest Benedick.

Benedick: What's wrong? I thought you two would be going great after the struggle you two went through just to get to the alter, what with you thinking she'd been sleeping around and all, and her having to fake her death, and it all turning out to be much ado abou…

Claudio: We _are_ going great.

_Pause. Benedick stares at Claudio_

Claudio: We are!

_Pause_

Claudio: …In a sense.

Benedick: And what is this sense?

Claudio: Well… Um… this is a bit embarrassing.

Benedick: I've seen you when you were drunk and hitting on fifty year old men, Claudio it can't be more embarrassing than that.

Claudio: Want a bet?

Benedick: Okay, now I've got to know.

_Claudio is clearly embarrassed_

Claudio: Well… You know how on ones… wedding night...there are certain… expectation…

Benedick: …Yes?

Claudio: Well…um… we didn't… do the expected.

_Awkward pause. Really awkward._

Benedick: Oh! Well, you were probably tried from a long day…

Claudio: No! I don't mean that! I was willing and able but she... wouldn't… with me.

Benedick: What?

Claudio: And it wasn't like she just refused or anything. She thinks she's doing the right thing!

_Pause_

Benedick: Okay, I'm totally lost.

Claudio: Remember how I left her at the altar when I thought she had lost her virginity?

Benedick: Number one; it was only a week ago, and number two; even if it wasn't I would have still remembered!

Claudio: Well on our wedding night, she refused to… you know… because she thinks that if she loses her virginity I'll leave her.

Benedick: Even to you?

Claudio: Yes! That's kind of my point!

Benedick: Oh.

_Yet another awkward pause. Hero enters. Claudio leans over to whisper to Benedick_

Claudio: Would you talk to her for me?

Benedick: What? No! I don't know Hero…

_Hero interrupts_

Hero Hello Darling. How are things?

_She kisses him on the cheek_

Claudio: No. I mean yes. I mean good. Um… I've got to go do a thing… with that person… Bye!

_Exit Claudio. Uncomfortable silence between Benedick and Hero._

Benedick: Um… Hello Hero. Claudio and I were just… talking…

Hero: He's been telling you that I haven't been sleeping with him, right.

Benedick: Whoa. If I knew you were psychic I wouldn't have thought all those things about your cousin in front of you.

_Hero chuckles_

Hero: I'm not. But it doesn't take a genius to guess.

Benedick: Okay so… I don't have to be subtle?

Hero: No.

_Benedick looks towards the heavens and mouths "Thank You"_

Benedick: Hero, you know he won't leave you if you sleep with him.

Hero: I know.

_Pause_

Benedick: Okay… That wasn't the response that I thought I was going to get…

Hero: You remember when Claudio left me at the alter?

Benedick: Why does everyone keep asking me that question?

Hero: I don't think you understand what that meant. I was officially branded a harlot. I was soiled, I was unclean. I was unfit for a wife and I would have died an old maid. I brought shame to my family and particular my father. And all this because he saw my maid having a fling in the dark.

Benedick: And John the Bastard.

Hero: You think that his title alone would be enough to convice Claudio he wasn't exactly trust-worthy. Yet he takes the word of a man he was recently waring with over me his bride-to-be? If he values my virginity so much that he would ruin my life over it, he can keep it.

_Pause _

Benedick: That's clever.

Hero: Thank you!

Benedick: But aren't you worried that…you know… he'll go other places for "affection".

Hero: No. He pledged himself to me, both at the wedding and to my father. He's stuck I'm afraid. And plus every maid in my father's estate would know. He doesn't know the meaning of suffering until he's been black-listed by the maids' gossip ring.

Benedick: Yeah. I remember I once said something particularly cruel about Beatrice. It was months until I could eat kitchen food again.

Hero: Thought they were spitting in it?

Benedick: No I thought they were poisoning it. Made a valuable discovery -don't make fun of a woman's weight.

Hero: So… are you going to tell on me?

Benedick: Hero, Claudio's my best friend. We've seen war, death and a Bush government together. I would trust him with my life and he with mine.

Hero: Oh. I understand.

Benedick: That's why I'm not going to tell. This is twice as funny as any prank I've ever pulled on him! How long are you going to keep him hanging?

Hero: Oh a few months at least. I want to drag this out for as long as possible.

Benedick: Well, this is definitely a warning not to cross you cousin. I never would have guessed you to have such diabolical plans. You should try out for the next Bond villain.

Hero: What? You think I've lived with Beatrice for all these years and have never learnt anything from her?

Benedick: Yes sure but this is one side I've never seen to you.

Hero: Well since I've died I've taken a new lease on life

One Hero died defiled, but I do live,  
And surely as I live, I am a maid.

_End of scene_


	4. Twelfth Night or What You Will

A/N: Once again I am writing annoying little Authors Notes that no one can be bothered reading. Anyway here's the context. If you have seen this play you will roughly know that Sabastian (who stars in this scene) and his twin sister have been seperated after a shipwreack. Viola disguised herself as a boy to find a job and works with Count Orisio who she falls in love with. But Orisio loves Lady Oliva who doesn't love him. Orisio sends Cesario (Olivia in man disguise) to ask Olivia out. What happens? She falls for Cesario. If you don't know this you really shouldn't be reading this. At worst you should have at least seen "She's the Man". But of course when Sabastian turns up Olivia thinks it Cesario (Violia) and asks for his hand in marridge. Now this is the part that stumps be because Sabastian says yes. Why would he marry someone he doesn't know who obviously thinks he's someone else? Here's my explaination.

Oh and P.S. The shakespeare bookends are longer than the other ones. You may have to read them out loud or look them up.**

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****Twelfth Night: Though this be madness, yet there is method in 't.**

_Olivia's Garden. Fabian trims the leaves off a shrub from the top of a ladder. Sebastian wanders in and mutters to himself. Fabian looks down to see what Sebastian is doing._

Sebastian: This is the air; that is the glorious sun;

This pearl she gave me, I do feel't and see't;

And though 'tis wonder that enwraps me thus,

Yet 'tis not madness. Where's Antonio, then?

I could not find him at the Elephant:

Yet there he was; and there I found this credit,

That he did range the town to seek me out.

His counsel now might do me golden service;

For though my soul disputes well with my sense,

That this may be some error, but no madness…

Fabian: Er… Can I help you, there?

Sebastian: …Yet doth this accident and flood of fortune

So far exceed all instance, all discourse,

That I am ready to distrust mine eyes

And wrangle with my reason that persuades me

To any other trust but that I am mad

Or else the lady's mad; yet, if 'twere so,

She could not sway her house, command her followers,

Take and give back affairs and their dispatch

With such a smooth, discreet and stable bearing

As I perceive she does: there's something in't

That is deceiveable…

Fabian: Sir!

Sebastian: What? Oh sorry. I didn't know you were there.

Fabian: Well that was obvious.

Sebastian: I… I was… just trying to work something out.

Fabian: With what the voices in your head?

_Sebastian gets tetchy_

Sebastian: Please! Don't make any jokes like that.

Fabian: Okay, okay. I didn't mean to hit a nerve.

_Sebastian calms down_

Sebastian: No… no you didn't.

_Awkward silence_

Sebastian: Um… have you worked for your mistress long?

Fabian: Quite a few years, now yeah. Why do you ask?

Sebastian: Does she have a history of… mental illness in her family or anything?

Fabian: Well her uncle certainly has a touch of the crazies, and last she did give all the servants mugs that say "You don't have to be insane to work here…

Both: … it certainly helps."

Sebastian: A person who thinks that's funny has got to be crazy.

Fabian: Then again, I think they were picked by her head steward Malvolio. He's currently being kept in a dark room while they send for a priest.

Sebastian: Oh. So she's not crazy.

Fabian: A bit of a drama-queen but not crazy, no.

Sebastian: Damn.

Fabian: … That's a bad thing?

Sebastian: Yes… I man no… I mean… Olivia asked me to marry her.

Fabian: Really, that was quick.

Sebastian: The first time we met.

Fabian: Very quick.

Sebastian: Faster-than-a-speeding-bullet quick!

Fabian: Wait… If you marry Olivia that means you will be Lord of the Manor, right?

Sebastian: Right…

Fabian: Congratulations! Listen could you do me a favour? There was this little misunderstanding about me supposedly illegally hunting on her land and everything…

Sebastian: Look mate! I've just been asked to marry a total and complete stranger and you want me to do it just so I can sooth things over with the misses-to-be about you're pouching!

Fabian: Sorry, I'm sorry. Please go on.

Sebastian: Well if she's not crazy, that means I'm crazy and I'm really in some dark room myself and just think all this is happening.

Fabian: Do you want me to pinch you?

Sebastian: I think that only works in dreams.

Fabian: Look man. I know I'm not just a delusion you just concocted, and I know the mistress isn't crazy either. She's probably just wants top marry someone so that Count Orsino stops asking her, or something.

Sebastian: She wouldn't do that, would she?

Fabian: How would you know? You've only just met the woman apparently.

Sebastian: That's true. She just seems so, witty and clever, and kind, and beautiful…

Fabian: Well if you think that much of her, then why don't you just marry her?

Sebastian: What? I hardly know her!

Fabian: So? Plenty of people marry people they hardly know. Arrange marriages, movie stars… there was that couple in Verona from two households both alike in dignity…

Sebastian: I know that story and it's not an example of a happy marriage.

Fabian: Maybe you're right. After all what would your family think?

_Sebastian goes quiet, before answering_

Sebastian: I don't have any family.

Fabian: I…I'm sorry to hear that.

Sebastian: I lost my twin sister in a shipwreck. I have nothing left. No way to get home and nothing to really go home to.

Fabian: Then isn't that more of a reason to stay here?

Sebastian: What do you mean?

Fabian: Well, like you said, you have no family, no home no future, and this Lady offers you the chance of all this. You have the choice to marry a rich beautiful woman, who is deeply infatuated with you, and not only start a family, but live as a powerful and rich nobleman. Or you can just wonder around all lonely and sad for the rest of your life because you were too scared to give this a chance.

_Stunned silence from Sebastian at this in depth look at his situation. Then he looks sceptically at Fabian._

Sebastian: Are you saying this because you honestly believe that I should marry Olivia or because you just want me to get you into her good books again.

_Pause while Fabian thinks_

Fabian: A little from column A and a little from column B.

_Sebastian groans and starts to leave. Fabian stops him._

Fabian: But…but mostly from column A!

Sebastian: This is a mistake. I'll just have to explain this to Olivia somehow…

Fabian: So you are saying there isn't just one small part of you that doesn't want to marry this rich beautiful woman?

Sebastian: Well… well yes of course there is… of course. Like you said she's rich and beautiful…

Fabian: Yes…

Sebastian: And kind of… the first girl who was really into me. I mean, let's face it; I'm not exactly going to win the next iron man contest. In fact on a few occasions I got mistaken for my sister. I mean, am I really that girly looking?

Fabian: No, no. Not unless you're really a girl disguised as a bloke.

Sabastian: Why would a woman disguised herself as a man?

Fabian: I dunno. In order to get a job or something…

Sebastian: Yeah… like that would ever happen!

_Both laugh at this ridiculous notion._

Sebastian: But yeah, it's nice to be wanted if you know what I mean. Especially by someone like Olivia. Let's face it she's… she's…

Fabian: Beautiful? Striking? Gorgeous? Exquisite? Picturesque? Attractive? Charming? Delightful? Magnificent?

Sebastian: I was going to say a sex bomb but those are much better.

_Fabian pulls out a small book from his pocket_

Fabian: Well, I always carry a thesaurus in my coat pocket.

_Slight uncomfortable pause before Sebastian says_

Sebastian: Thanks man. I was just standing hear thinking that there was no one I could talk to about this bizarre set of circumstances and here you are, willing to listen to a total stranger complain about their problems. You were a real help.

Fabian: Was I enough of a help for you to try and smooth over this whole poaching business?

_Sebastian laughs_

Sebastian: Why not.

Fabian: Wait? Just a moment? Haven't I seen you somewhere before?

_Olivia enters in a hurry with a priest. Fabian climbs back up the ladder, while Sebastian tries to act natural_

Olivia:Blame not this haste of mine. If you mean well,

Now go with me and with this holy man

Into the chantry by: there, before him,

And underneath that consecrated roof,

Plight me the full assurance of your faith;

That my most jealous and too doubtful soul

May live at peace. He shall conceal it

Whiles you are willing it shall come to note,

What time we will our celebration keep

According to my birth. What do you say?

_Sebastian looks up at Fabian who surreptitiously gives the thumbs up_

Sebastian: I'll follow this good man, and go with you;

And, having sworn truth, ever will be true.

Olivia: Then lead the way, good father; and heavens so shine,

That they may fairly note this act of mine!

_End of Scene_


	5. Macbeth

This is the final of my Shakepeare saga. It also happens to be my favorite. I've always wondered what happened to Fleance. You never see him after Banquo dies. Does he become king like the witches say. Also there is the whole issue of the self fulfilling prophecy. Would Macneth become king if the witches hadn't told him to? All this questions and more in tonights thrilling conclusion to **SHAKESPEARES DELEATED SCENES**. buh buh BUUUH!!!

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**Macbeth: Ill deeds are doubled with an evil word.**

_A cavern. In the middle, a boiling cauldron. The three witches stand around it chanting_

All three: Double, double toil and trouble;

Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.

Second Witch: Fillet of a fenny snake,

In the cauldron boil and bake;

Eye of newt and toe of frog,

Wool of bat and tongue of dog,

Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting,

Lizard's leg and owlet's wing…

_Witch three interrupts_

Aradia the third witch: Wait? Are they the same ingredients we used last time?

Morrisa the first witch: Well they'd better be because I've already put in the liver of a blasphemous Jew. Those are very hard to come by you know.

Ciara the second witch: It's the exact same one as last time! I double checked the recipe.

Aradia: Well would you double double check if it's not to much toil and trouble!

_Pause_

Ciara: That was an awful pun and you know it.

Morrisa: Would you hurry up please. He's going to be here soon and I want this to be ready.

Aradia: I don't know why we have to do this again. I thought the battle was already lost… or was it won?

Ciara: Lost AND won, you stupid…

_Aradia whines_

Aradia: Morrisa! Ciara called me stupid.

Morrisa: Man, when Hecate grouped us three together I thought I was in a proper coven of real, mystical witches. Not a pre-school.

Ciara: By the pricking of my thumbs,  
Something wicked this way comes.

Morrisa: You say that every ten minutes…

_Knock at door_

_Ciara looks smug at Morrisa_

Ciara: Open, locks,  
Whoever knocks!

_Morrisa whispers back_

Morrissa: Lucky guess.

_Fleance enters_

Fleance: Thank goodness there is someone here. I've been wandering through the woods for days!

Aradia: 16 days 4 hours and 22 minutes last time I counted.

Fleance: What? How do you know that?

Aradia: We know ALL!

Morrisa hits Aradia over the back of the head

Morrissa: We saw you walk past a couple of times.

Ciara: Better than watching Big Brother. Would you like some rabbit blood?

Fleance: Um…no thanks… I have to go back to the castle, my dads been killed by the king.

Ciara: If your dad was killed by the king shouldn't you go as far away from the castle as possible.

Fleance: I have to! I've got to avenge my father's death!

Morrisa: What are you talking about?

Fleance: My dad's last words were: "O, treachery! Fly, good Fleance, fly, fly, fly!

Thou mayst revenge. O slave!"

Aradia: Wow. He must have had really good lungs to say all that as he died.

Fleance: That's why I have to go back.

Ciara: Because your father had good lungs?

Fleance: No! So I can avenge him. I'll walk up to Macbeth and say...

_Fleance adopts Spanish accent_

Fleance: Hello. My name is Fleance son of Banquo. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

Morrisa: Wait! You're Banquo's kid?

Fleance: Yeah…?

Morrisa: Oh great! We've been doing this wrong. Places girls.

_All the witches hunch over and gather around Fleance_

Morrisa: All hail Fleance! Hail to Thee, Son of Banquo.

Ciara: All hail Fleance! Hail to Thee. Thane of….um…

Aradia: All hail, Fleance! Thou shalt be king hereafter!

_Pause_

Fleance: Maybe you shouldn't be drinking rabbit blood either…

Ciara: Oh for crying out loud mister "break-the-dramatic-tension". Here's all you need to know. We are witches. We say you're going to be king. Now go and make it happen.

Fleance: How?

Morrisa: By killing the current king!

Fleance: But I was already planning on doing that.

Aradia: Just a minute. Wasn't Macbeth that guy we said couldn't be killed unless Birnam wood came to Dunsinane and he was killed of someone not born of woman?

Ciara: Yes…

Aradia: Oh um… he's dead.

Ciara: What?

Morrisa: How?

Aradia: Surprisingly Birnam wood came to Dunsinane and he was killed of someone not born of woman.

Morrisa: Okay… that makes sense. I guess.

Fleance: Great. Now I don't have to kill him. See ya.

Ciara: Wait! We prophesised something and now you have to make it happen.

Fleance: But if it's going to happen anyway, why do I need to make it happen?

Ciara: What? I dunno. Just because.

Morrisa: These are kind of self-fulfilling prophecies.

Fleance: What? So you make up these prophecies and because people believe in it so much they make it come about? There's no real magic or anything?

Aradia: Is that how it happens? It makes much more sense when he explains it!

Ciara: I explained it fine! You're just too stupid…

Aradia: Morrisa! Ciara called me stupid again…

Fleance: So what you're saying is that Macbeth probably wouldn't have become king if _you_ hadn't told him that he was going to be?

Morrisa: Yep!

Fleance: And he wouldn't have been worried about my Father's progeny becoming king if _you_ hadn't told my Dad that it would happen?

Ciara: That's it.

Fleance: And therefore Macbeth wouldn't have killed my father if _you_ hadn't been plotting you're evil little scheme?

Aradia: That's right. It's all our doing…wait?

Fleance: You do realise that I'm going to have to kill you now to avenge my father and all that.

Ciara: That's a bit violent isn't it?

Fleance: Have you read this play? The main character has his head cut off! Women and children are slaughtered! There is so much hacking that you have to wear goggles while you're watching people fight.

Ciara: Suppose you're right.

_Fleance whips out a sword_

Fleance:Hello. My name is Fleance son of Banquo. You killed my father. Prepare to…

Morrisa: Wait!

Fleance: This had better be important.

Morrisa: Look! I know you're just a teeny bit upset about how our meddling got you're old man slaughtered by a vicious ruler and everything…

Fleance: This isn't improving your life expectancy…

Morrisa: But Macbeth made the choice didn't he? If he hadn't have been to greedy for power he would have just waited and seen what happen. Yes we gave him the idea but he and his wife didn't need much urging did they. I mean if we told him to go jump off a bridge should he do that too?

_Fleance pauses. He lowers his sword_

Fleance:You have a point.

Ciara: So… We're cool and everything?

Fleance: Just because I won't kill you, but that doesn't mean that we're "cool". You've got three days to get out of Scotland. In fact, get of the isle. If you're still here I'll go to the king and tell him the whole story. I think you know what happens to witches in these parts.

Aradia: Free gym membership?

_Pause. All stare at Aradia in something almost like pity_

Fleance: Not exactly. Anyway, I'm off.

Ciara: Just a second? We've given you a wonderful opportunity to be king and you decide to run us out of town. I find that very ungrateful! Don't you want to be king of Scotland?

Fleance: And turn out a megalomaniac like the man that killed my dad?

Ciara: It takes all sorts!

Fleance: If I become king, I won't be complaining. If fact if I become king you will probably see me dancing around the battlements in my underwear sing "We are the champions".

_Pause_

Aradia: Maybe that's not the best idea. After all, too many kings have crossed over to the straight jacket wearing club recently.

Morrisa: Yeah like that Prince in Demark who went off the deep end when his mum married his uncle.

Ciara: Well that's understandable.

Aradia: Yeah… Or that British king a while ago that -get this- after dividing his land among his daughters…

Fleance: AHEM! What I was _trying_ to say is that if I become king, I'll be happy. If I don't become king, I'll be happy. If it happens it happens, if it doesn't it doesn't, but I'm going to chose my own destiny.

Ciara: You really have no hint of drama in you, do you Fleance?

Fleance: What do you mean?

Ciara: You just had a really cool line and you made it sound so boring. You should have said

_Ciara stands in a dramatic super hero-like pose and says in a deep theatrical voice_

Ciara: "I choose my OWN destiny!"

Fleance: I'm so going! And remember, you have three days.

_Fleance exits_

Aradia: Well, if you're going to have a nemesis I could think of worse people.

Ciara: Maybe it will do us good to get of Scotland for a while. Take this show on the road…

Morrisa: Um... We may have a problem.

Aradia: What?

Morrissa: You remember that sailor's wife that wouldn't share her chestnuts with me?

Aradia: Yes… so we joined forces and created that great storm to wreak her husband's ship?

Morrisa: Yeah… um… they sort of found out about that. If we go near the docks again it isn't going to be pretty.

Ciara: So if we go to the docks we're doomed. If we say here we're doomed… not looking good is it?

Morrisa: Well ask Hecate. She'll know what to do!

Ciara: And you were calling us immature! We're now in a life or death situation just because you wanted some nuts!

Morrisa: She was eating them in front of me! She just had them in her lap,

And munch'd, and munch'd, and munch'd:--

_End of scene_


End file.
